numb...

"for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction."

oh there was an action... a very strong action.
and then there was a reaction.
my reaction.
first pain.
then heartache.
then...
then...
numbness.
i thought i was healed.
i thought it was over...
but i think i merely numbed the pain.
because now i don't feel.
i feel nothing at all... except this numbing sensation that won't go away.
it's time to let go.
it's time to heal.
i want to love...
a deep soulful love.
i want to cry...
a cry from the heart...
the heart i don't feel.
i want to laugh...
till i can't even stand.
the feelings are gone...
they don't even sting.
Lord... am i numb to you to?
restore my emotion...
restore my heart.
it is out of my grasp...
the desire is there.
i just can't reach it on my own.
it's time to peel back the layers...
and expose the raw.
i want to be real.
wash over me with Your love.
so that i may heal.

progress and then some

"We've all want progress. But progress means getting nearer to the place where you want to be. And if you have taken a wrong turning, then go to go forward does not get you any nearer to the place you where you want to be. If you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man... there is nothing progressive about being pig headed and refusing to admit a mistake."
~C.S. Lewis; Mere Christianity
How many times have i kept going in the same direction, stayed the course on the same path, when I knew I was making a mistake but going back would have been too difficult? How many opportunities did I miss out on because I was spending so much time on the wrong road? I think back tracking can be humbling... but then again we want to progress on our journey... we often want to go forward, but as Lewis said, progress means going forward in the RIGHT direction, not just going forward.

happy 100 blog views...

so i guess my blog has been viewed 100 times... 20 of which have been my own. haha.
but anyways. cheers to blogging! today was a good day.

God is constantly reminding me of His love and the importance of my relationship with Him.


"A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise"

~Hillsong United; From the Inside Out

the root of peace...

"In essence, there is only one thing God asks of us- that we be men and women of prayer, people who live close to God, people whom God is everything and for whom God is enough. That is the root of peace."
~Brennan Manning; The Ragamuffin Gospel

Do you ever wonder why we pray? I mean if God is already in charge and looking out for our best interest, why do we have to ask? I think prayer is really for us... not for God. He already knows our hearts. But when we leave our cares and concerns at his feet, it frees us up to serve him and also leaves room for him to prove himself all the more faithful in our lives.

the joy of being a kid...

bubble guns.
sippy cups.
sidewalk chalk.
dragon slayers and princesses.
storybooks.
hide 'n' seek.
today was a good day.
(:

how far we've come...

So April 2007 of last year...seems like a decade ago. I was browsing through old photos and realizing what I different place I am in today. I was weak and frail... and very broken a year ago. I had no idea who I was or even where I was headed. I didn't have time to think about others because I was too busy worrying about myself. Its humbling to reflect and see the change that God has done in my heart this last year... last two years. Not only has he picked up the pieces, put it back together, but he has transformed it as well. I am not weak anymore... because he is my strength. I am broken, but not the same way I was before. I know who I am in Christ. And although I may not always know where I am headed, I have purpose and a passion to live that was not there before. I will be the first to testify to the fact that God knows our hearts better than we do. He knows what we need when we need it. And he also has the power to pull us through the deepest darkest parts of depression. When you are weak and your soul feels all alone... and the darkness overwhelms you... hold on to the Hope we have in Jesus. Don't let it go... you may feel like there is no end... like death has encompassed your heart... but just remember the battle has already been won! Death has been overcome...

Romans 8:37
"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us."

become aware...

" ...everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)

Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...

I'm standing on the edge of me
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.
And i've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge..."

~switchfoot; on fire

Lord,
Give me the wisdom needed to make decisions. Hope to press on. Compassion to reach out to others. Peace to make it through each day. I want to approach life with the faith of a child and the wisdom of the aged. Lord with you I am complete.

trust... to let go or to hold on

photo credit: rainbowdrop


trust.
googled the word trust and came up with an array of different websites from wikipedia to megadeth to some site about Plato.
what i really wanted was a good, quality deifinition of the word.
i guess i needed to be more specific in my searching... "trust definition" rendered me the webster's dictionary site.
perfect! now I was on my way to a quality definition.
do you know that trust is both a noun and a verb?
i tend to think of trust more as a verb:


Trust
1 a: to place confidence : depend
b: to be confident : hope
2 a: to commit or place in one's care or keeping : entrust
b: to permit to stay or go or to do something without fear or misgiving
3 a: to rely on the truthfulness or accuracy of : believe
b: to place confidence in : rely on
c: to hope or expect confidently
(closely relate words: depend, hope, believe, rely on)

ever met anyone with trust issues?
you know the one who does everything on their own...
someone who doesn't generally take help from people...
struggles with letting someone close to them...
someone who approaches any type of relationship with a leery eye and a pessimistic attitude of abandonment?

i tend to think that to be like this a defense mechanism.
In Proverbs 4:23 it says, "Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life."
so at some point our heart guard was down... and someone took advantage of that... and hurt was rendered.
and just like any verse in the Bible... this one was accurate.
Your heart truly is the wellspring of life.
Because when that hurt was rendered your whole life fell apart... and deep sorrow replaced any former existence of life.

But perhaps you were like me... and you learned to depend on God and as he promises, restored life to your soul.
And then the trust journey with God begins.
I think thats probably where I am.
Learning what trust really looks like.
Trusting God means to...
depend on Him
hope in the things he has promised
believe that what he says is true
and to rely on Him to guide your steps

how do you know that you are doing these things?
how do you know you are truly trusting God?
I think it comes down to being content.
If I am content in where God has me at the current moment, lacking worry, without anxiety...
if I am not constantly trying to do things on my own and figure it out for myself, then I am trusting him.

so when discontentment fills my heart or when frustration with life's situations takes control of my mind...
i have to let go... i can't hold on to my life, to my worries, to my anxieties.

why is so difficult to let go? so difficult to take the chains off... to embrace freedom?
perhaps the chains are comfortable.. they feel safe and secure.
to be free may feel like you are floundering on your own.
But remember that you are not on your own and that God is in control...
to trust him.

escape.

today i feel like fading into the background.
being somewhere where nobody knows me.

the art of guarding your heart...

guarding your heart.

at first this sounds simple.
but as you experience life you begin to realize that maybe it is not as easy as it sounds.
i'm not going to speak in generic hypotheticals.
i can only right about what I have personally experienced in this area (of course leaving out all the gory dramatic details)
Here is the situation: past relationship goes really wrong.
hurt happens.
lessons are learned.
you grow from it and you move on.
(sounds pretty alright so far)
you build up walls. but not big fortressy walls... just ones that will keep your heart from mortal danger.
the question is... how do you know when to let those walls down?
to let someone see into who you are?
how can you guard your heart... but still be vulnerable?
because I am pretty good at faking vulnerabilty... this is a real issue for me.
i want to be real and genuine... and for the most part I am.
but part of me is held back.
which I don't necessarily think is a bad thing.
but I don't want to give the wrong impression of who I am.
geez... i don't even really know how to vocalize this.

here is what I have found that God's word says about guarding your heart:

it is commanded:
Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

I understand the wellspring of life part. but what about the command to guard your heart?
it doesn't say how.

then if you flip ahead a few thousand years you can read this:
Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

well that makes it more clear. it basically says that God guards our hearts and our minds if we pray and leave our worries at his feet.

SWEET! That means it is up to God to protect my heart and mind. I just have to keep focused on Him and He will fill me with His peace.

SO I guess that means if I am trusting God and seeking His will... He will fill me with his peace and will guard my heart and my mind. its like prayer... peace... protection.

Father,
I know I am stuggling not with guarding my heart... but trusting you. Lord you do not work within human parameters and for that I am thankful. Please help me to trust you with my life and my heart. I know you are in control and for for that I am humbly grateful. in Jesus precious name. Amen.

Curious George??

so this blog is going to seem kind of random in comparison to the others... but oh well. I have a new all time favorite movie: Curious George! I love it. It really captures the books I read as a child... and the music is great: Jack Johnson. I highly recommend this cute little tale about a curious little monkey. I could watch it over and over :)

fear is lost in all you are.

Love unfailing
Overtaking my heart
You take me in
Finding peace again
Fear is lost in all you are

And I would give the world to tell you're story
'Cause I know that you've called me
I know that you've called me
I've lost myself for good within your promise
And I won't hide it
I won't hide it

Jesus, I believe in You
And I would go, to the ends of the earth
To the ends of the earth
For you alone are the son of God
And all the world will see
That You are God
You are God
~Hillsong

These words capture exactly what I am feeling right now. There isn't much else to say.