numb...

"for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction."

oh there was an action... a very strong action.
and then there was a reaction.
my reaction.
first pain.
then heartache.
then...
then...
numbness.
i thought i was healed.
i thought it was over...
but i think i merely numbed the pain.
because now i don't feel.
i feel nothing at all... except this numbing sensation that won't go away.
it's time to let go.
it's time to heal.
i want to love...
a deep soulful love.
i want to cry...
a cry from the heart...
the heart i don't feel.
i want to laugh...
till i can't even stand.
the feelings are gone...
they don't even sting.
Lord... am i numb to you to?
restore my emotion...
restore my heart.
it is out of my grasp...
the desire is there.
i just can't reach it on my own.
it's time to peel back the layers...
and expose the raw.
i want to be real.
wash over me with Your love.
so that i may heal.

progress and then some

"We've all want progress. But progress means getting nearer to the place where you want to be. And if you have taken a wrong turning, then go to go forward does not get you any nearer to the place you where you want to be. If you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man... there is nothing progressive about being pig headed and refusing to admit a mistake."
~C.S. Lewis; Mere Christianity
How many times have i kept going in the same direction, stayed the course on the same path, when I knew I was making a mistake but going back would have been too difficult? How many opportunities did I miss out on because I was spending so much time on the wrong road? I think back tracking can be humbling... but then again we want to progress on our journey... we often want to go forward, but as Lewis said, progress means going forward in the RIGHT direction, not just going forward.

happy 100 blog views...

so i guess my blog has been viewed 100 times... 20 of which have been my own. haha.
but anyways. cheers to blogging! today was a good day.

God is constantly reminding me of His love and the importance of my relationship with Him.


"A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise"

~Hillsong United; From the Inside Out

the root of peace...

"In essence, there is only one thing God asks of us- that we be men and women of prayer, people who live close to God, people whom God is everything and for whom God is enough. That is the root of peace."
~Brennan Manning; The Ragamuffin Gospel

Do you ever wonder why we pray? I mean if God is already in charge and looking out for our best interest, why do we have to ask? I think prayer is really for us... not for God. He already knows our hearts. But when we leave our cares and concerns at his feet, it frees us up to serve him and also leaves room for him to prove himself all the more faithful in our lives.

the joy of being a kid...

bubble guns.
sippy cups.
sidewalk chalk.
dragon slayers and princesses.
storybooks.
hide 'n' seek.
today was a good day.
(:

how far we've come...

So April 2007 of last year...seems like a decade ago. I was browsing through old photos and realizing what I different place I am in today. I was weak and frail... and very broken a year ago. I had no idea who I was or even where I was headed. I didn't have time to think about others because I was too busy worrying about myself. Its humbling to reflect and see the change that God has done in my heart this last year... last two years. Not only has he picked up the pieces, put it back together, but he has transformed it as well. I am not weak anymore... because he is my strength. I am broken, but not the same way I was before. I know who I am in Christ. And although I may not always know where I am headed, I have purpose and a passion to live that was not there before. I will be the first to testify to the fact that God knows our hearts better than we do. He knows what we need when we need it. And he also has the power to pull us through the deepest darkest parts of depression. When you are weak and your soul feels all alone... and the darkness overwhelms you... hold on to the Hope we have in Jesus. Don't let it go... you may feel like there is no end... like death has encompassed your heart... but just remember the battle has already been won! Death has been overcome...

Romans 8:37
"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us."

become aware...