become aware...

" ...everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)

Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...

I'm standing on the edge of me
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.
And i've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge..."

~switchfoot; on fire

Lord,
Give me the wisdom needed to make decisions. Hope to press on. Compassion to reach out to others. Peace to make it through each day. I want to approach life with the faith of a child and the wisdom of the aged. Lord with you I am complete.

trust... to let go or to hold on

photo credit: rainbowdrop


trust.
googled the word trust and came up with an array of different websites from wikipedia to megadeth to some site about Plato.
what i really wanted was a good, quality deifinition of the word.
i guess i needed to be more specific in my searching... "trust definition" rendered me the webster's dictionary site.
perfect! now I was on my way to a quality definition.
do you know that trust is both a noun and a verb?
i tend to think of trust more as a verb:


Trust
1 a: to place confidence : depend
b: to be confident : hope
2 a: to commit or place in one's care or keeping : entrust
b: to permit to stay or go or to do something without fear or misgiving
3 a: to rely on the truthfulness or accuracy of : believe
b: to place confidence in : rely on
c: to hope or expect confidently
(closely relate words: depend, hope, believe, rely on)

ever met anyone with trust issues?
you know the one who does everything on their own...
someone who doesn't generally take help from people...
struggles with letting someone close to them...
someone who approaches any type of relationship with a leery eye and a pessimistic attitude of abandonment?

i tend to think that to be like this a defense mechanism.
In Proverbs 4:23 it says, "Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life."
so at some point our heart guard was down... and someone took advantage of that... and hurt was rendered.
and just like any verse in the Bible... this one was accurate.
Your heart truly is the wellspring of life.
Because when that hurt was rendered your whole life fell apart... and deep sorrow replaced any former existence of life.

But perhaps you were like me... and you learned to depend on God and as he promises, restored life to your soul.
And then the trust journey with God begins.
I think thats probably where I am.
Learning what trust really looks like.
Trusting God means to...
depend on Him
hope in the things he has promised
believe that what he says is true
and to rely on Him to guide your steps

how do you know that you are doing these things?
how do you know you are truly trusting God?
I think it comes down to being content.
If I am content in where God has me at the current moment, lacking worry, without anxiety...
if I am not constantly trying to do things on my own and figure it out for myself, then I am trusting him.

so when discontentment fills my heart or when frustration with life's situations takes control of my mind...
i have to let go... i can't hold on to my life, to my worries, to my anxieties.

why is so difficult to let go? so difficult to take the chains off... to embrace freedom?
perhaps the chains are comfortable.. they feel safe and secure.
to be free may feel like you are floundering on your own.
But remember that you are not on your own and that God is in control...
to trust him.

escape.

today i feel like fading into the background.
being somewhere where nobody knows me.

the art of guarding your heart...

guarding your heart.

at first this sounds simple.
but as you experience life you begin to realize that maybe it is not as easy as it sounds.
i'm not going to speak in generic hypotheticals.
i can only right about what I have personally experienced in this area (of course leaving out all the gory dramatic details)
Here is the situation: past relationship goes really wrong.
hurt happens.
lessons are learned.
you grow from it and you move on.
(sounds pretty alright so far)
you build up walls. but not big fortressy walls... just ones that will keep your heart from mortal danger.
the question is... how do you know when to let those walls down?
to let someone see into who you are?
how can you guard your heart... but still be vulnerable?
because I am pretty good at faking vulnerabilty... this is a real issue for me.
i want to be real and genuine... and for the most part I am.
but part of me is held back.
which I don't necessarily think is a bad thing.
but I don't want to give the wrong impression of who I am.
geez... i don't even really know how to vocalize this.

here is what I have found that God's word says about guarding your heart:

it is commanded:
Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

I understand the wellspring of life part. but what about the command to guard your heart?
it doesn't say how.

then if you flip ahead a few thousand years you can read this:
Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

well that makes it more clear. it basically says that God guards our hearts and our minds if we pray and leave our worries at his feet.

SWEET! That means it is up to God to protect my heart and mind. I just have to keep focused on Him and He will fill me with His peace.

SO I guess that means if I am trusting God and seeking His will... He will fill me with his peace and will guard my heart and my mind. its like prayer... peace... protection.

Father,
I know I am stuggling not with guarding my heart... but trusting you. Lord you do not work within human parameters and for that I am thankful. Please help me to trust you with my life and my heart. I know you are in control and for for that I am humbly grateful. in Jesus precious name. Amen.

Curious George??

so this blog is going to seem kind of random in comparison to the others... but oh well. I have a new all time favorite movie: Curious George! I love it. It really captures the books I read as a child... and the music is great: Jack Johnson. I highly recommend this cute little tale about a curious little monkey. I could watch it over and over :)

fear is lost in all you are.

Love unfailing
Overtaking my heart
You take me in
Finding peace again
Fear is lost in all you are

And I would give the world to tell you're story
'Cause I know that you've called me
I know that you've called me
I've lost myself for good within your promise
And I won't hide it
I won't hide it

Jesus, I believe in You
And I would go, to the ends of the earth
To the ends of the earth
For you alone are the son of God
And all the world will see
That You are God
You are God
~Hillsong

These words capture exactly what I am feeling right now. There isn't much else to say.